So You're a Vampire
by MOVED TO BOUNCING BEE
Summary: A guide to being a vampire! This guide takes you through eating habits, false myths, abilities, and a test to see if you're even a vampire! No returns unless you are a human who thought they were a vamp. Explore the wonders of being immortal!
1. Introduction

_A/N: I got this idea last night. It's a manual to being a vampire. Heh. Later on, when this one's over, I'm gonna make one about werewolves._

_Oh yeah. And it's supposed to sound unbelievably cheesy, like one of those weird brochures you see at un-populated areas._

**Disclaimer for the Whole Story: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse. I don't own anything but the story flowing from my typing fingers. You get my drift.**

**Introduction**

Hello! So, if you've bought this book, you're probably wondering if you're a vampire, or want to know what to do with your vampire life. You've bought just the book to answer your questions.

You're probably wondering, "How would _you_ know what to do as a vampire? How do you even know all this stuff? Are you even a vampire?" Well, all of those questions will be answered later on in this book.

What This Book Includes:

-FAQ about vampires

-a test to make sure you're a vampire

-what your mortal enemies are

-what to do with your dull, dreary vampire life

-info on your feeding habits

-myths and legends about vampires that basically aren't true

And SO much more!

I'm Fizzy Jones, and I'm going to help you on your magical journey to a happy life!

---

**WARNING: Results may vary. If you choose to take Fizzy Jones' advice, you may not blame the outcome on her. It's not her fault you might do everything wrong, and be a total screw up! She's just the author! (But, we do advise you to take her advice.)**

**Return Policy: You bought the book. Yeah, it was a lot of money. But it took Mrs. Fizzy Jones a long time to think this out, and get it written down. She's worked her butt off to help your pathetic vampire boredom out! If you discover you are a human, you may return the book. You will get nothing but a torn up copy of TWILIGHT in return. Some pages may be missing. But it isn't **_**our**_** fault that you can't identify vampire symptoms correctly. Now just run along and read TWILIGHT now... **

_A/N: How was it? I personally don't know. I just wanted to write it._


	2. FAQ

**So You're a Vampire: FAQ**

Hello! I see you think you are a vampire! Our intro didn't scare you off? Good! Otherwise you would have just wasted 20. Now, the moment you have all been waiting for... The FAQ! Here we go, some of the basic questions asked by vampires, or humans being turned!

**Q: I'm writhing in pain, and someone just bit me! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!**

A: Calm down. Take a deep breath... not that you'll need it in three days. What am I talking about? You're becoming a vampire! Yay for you! Good thing you picked up this book. But I don't know how you're going to read it during your change... Anyways, in three days you'll be a vampire! Carnivorous or vegetarian? We suggest veggie! (Not because we're human or anything...) A vegetarian diet consists of large, predatory animals. And a side dish of deer and such.

**Q: What the heck is a veggie vampire?**

A: Read the first question, dunderhead.

**Q: I don't have fangs! What gives?**

A: Vampires don't have fangs. I take it that you were a big Dracula fan or something? Yeah. For the record...

-Vampires DO NOT have fangs.

-Vampires DO NOT burn in the sun. They sparkle.

-Vampires DO NOT turn everyone they bite into vampires. Most of the time they just murder them, by sucking them dry.

-Vampires DO NOT sleep in coffins. They can't sleep, so take that into consideration before committing to vampirism.

-Vampires ARE gorgeous. Most of the time.

-Vampires eyes ARE red or topaz. Depends on your diet. Pick a copy of _Twilight_ for further information.

**Q: How do I know you aren't just some crackpot who believes everything she reads?**

A: You don't! I could be your mother for all you know! HA! But, why did you buy this book if you didn't believe me, hmm? This book isn't available is libraries, so you MUST believe me to waste 20. Just keep reading... I _will_ have you convinced by the end of this crazy journey.

**Q: I'm about to be eaten by a vampire! What do I do?**

A: Beg for forgiveness? Ask them to spare you by turning you? Why are you asking this question if you're about to be eaten by a vampire? How are you even going to read this answer if you're about to be eaten by a vampire? Psh, you're pulling my leg, aren't you? BE ASHAMED.

**Q: Is this chapter over yet?**

A: Yes. Yes it is.


	3. Veggie versus Carni

**So You're a Vampire - Eating Habits**

Hello all of you vampires! Or humans who wasted 20 dollars on a book that may or may not be of any use to them! YAY. In this chapter, we shall take you through eating habits. What to eat and what not to eat.

Vegetarian

Some of you may know of the infamous Cullens. Yeah? Well, you know how they DO NOT eat humans, but instead save them? That would be called a vegetarian vampire. This path of life is HIGHLY recommended by Miss Fizzy Jones.

**DO: **Eat large predatory animals.

**DO:** Act natural around humans.

**DO:** Eat only animals.

**DON'T:** Kill and eat humans.

**DON'T:** Attack humans.

**DON'T:** Flaunt the fact that you don't eat human food.

Carnivorous

Don't take this path in life. Just DON'T. It's stupid and weird. Do you want to eat your own kind? Well, at least they WERE your kind at one point. It's like a werewolf going out and eating wolves after they've stopped phasing. Gross, huh?

**DON'T: **Take this path in life.

**DON'T:** Just don't. Okay?

An After Note

I would like to thank all of you vampires out there that took the vegetarian path. It has saved the lives of many, and stopped suspicion from arising in the news. THANK YOU.


	4. VERY IMPORTANT, READ

**Okay, so. I vowed I'd NEVER do a chapter that wasn't a chapter, but guess what? This is a fully A/N chapter.**

**BLARLGEFLARGLEFLARGLEFLARGLE. **

**Anyways. xD I REALLY would like ALL of my readers, reviewers, etc... to move on over to my new account; Bouncing Bee. I have reposted Into the Mist there, will be rewriting Kindergarten Days, rewriting Repeat, starting an imprinting story, and YAY. YAY. **

**I'm kinda down because I lost all of my readers when I switched over, but I'd like to keep my work clean and good on this new account. :3 I know I have a fair amount of readers, and I'd be delighted to read each and every review from you guys.**

**I feel really weird, writing for no reason. I find it funny how some stories have over a thousand reviews, and others have none, when the writing is pretty much equal in talent. lawl. I'm really glad that good stories are getting recognized, though! 8D**

**I've been wondering what people are looking to read. I guess I'll just have to work my way up to being a popular author, huh? xD I plan to pursue a career in writing, so whee. I do enjoy rambling... **

**Haha, anyways. This is just a notification that there will NEVER be updates on here again, so don't be looking for 'em. I repeat, my new account is BOUNCING BEE, and I already have a story out, sooo. ;D Hinthint. **

**I'm looking forward to my new imprint story that's on it's way, and I hope you'll like it too! 8D**

**So, anyone who even remotely enjoyed my stories here, run on over and subscribe, favorite, or WHATEVER to my new story/rewritten story. I suddenly like Twilight again, so. And I have NOTHING to do, so updates will be frequent. Unless I have writer's block. Haha.**

**~FizzyJones, signing OUT.**


End file.
